12 07 08 are nothing but numbers...

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Say what you need to say

I wish you had the guts to face true love. we had it. I can no longer care if you believe in their lies. Take the wretched memories of what you think may have happened. I wash my hands of you completely. So much more to say. But this must end. This will be the last day I shed tears over you. Goodbye my love…bittersweet you will always linger in my heart. hate.love.hope.despair. and everything in between. 12 07 08.

Above is a post from my ex's blog. I think it is time for me to write about this... I am not the bad guy that she makes me out to be. I should not feel guilty for not taking her back or for not believing that what we had was true love...or for not believing in her lies any longer. Below is something that I wrote from April 2009... (this should help understand a little of what life used to be like)

I look back to sIx months ago... sIx months... a lot can happen In 6 months, sIx break ups, movIng In, movIng out, beIng so unstable. Court tIme, not beIng happy but tryIng to prove somethIng once agaIn to myself or maybe to others. I have yet to fIgure It all out. SIx months ago I moved Into my fIrst home that I worked so hard for. I got my assocIates degree In busIness and was workIng thIngs out wIth my on agaIn off agaIn gIrlfrIend of four years. ThIngs were promIsIng! I felt lIke I was on top of the world. My choIces ruIned It all... LIke I had mentIoned before I was workIng thIngs out wIth my on agaIn off agaIn gIrlfrIend of four years. We had a rocky relatIonshIp but at thIs poInt In our lIves we both were gettIng our separate lIves together and workIng on us IndIvIadually. We were growIng up and fIgured that thIs was the best tIme as any to try and work thIngs out. We were workIng on us as a couple now and thIngs felt rIght. We were havIng fun...goIng out. goIng to protests just beIng a couple spendIng tIme together yet spendIng tIme apart wIth our frIends. It was healthy thIs tIme a perfect balance. Then It went downhIll. I snapped. I second guessed everythIng. I let my past problems wIth us get In the way of the future or the present. I snapped. I yelled, I punched walls, I broke the cd player In her car. I was out of control. I had lost all control of everythIng. I was scared. Scared of gettIng hurt. Scared of lIfe and how serIous I knew that her and I were becomIng, scared of beIng happy. Who Is scared to be happy? Who runs from happy? I do. I run. I run fast and I run hard. My bIrthday weekend was the downfall of the relatIonshIp. I take full and total blame for what happened to us In the end. She dId nothIng wrong but try and love me and I pushed her away. She was studyIng for the bIggest tests of her lIfe and Instead of beIng understandIng and supportIve I was an asshole. PlaIn and sImple. I wanted attentIon, I was needy and for no reason at all. I was secure In the relatIonshIp but I wanted more tIme I wanted all her attentIon. ThIs was the start to me pushIng her away. We fought all weekend. All weekend. bad fIghtIng. hIttIng. Well I hIt her, hIt the wall, hIt the cd player. I was out of control. We went out to the local gay club that nIght and that's when I met her. The moment that our eyes locked It was over for me. My way to push my gIrlfrIend that much farther away. That weekend I found my new lady on myspace and we started talkIng 24/7. I saw her on a Monday and broke thIngs off wIth my gIrlfrIend that Tuesday. God .. thIs new lady... I cant even call her a lady... but maybe a gIrl. Yes a gIrl Is a better term for her. She was not even 21 yet. Not legal to drInk. A baby. Someone my lIttle sIsters age. That should have been a sIgn rIght there. That should have been the smack In the face. DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF...but I was blInded. BlInded but what I thought was love. It was excItIng. It was new. Her kIsses soft. She took control and I followed her led. I dIdn't understand how much followIng I would actually be doIng. I put all I had Into the relatIonshIp that we had. I mean everythIng! I was the pIcture perfect gIrlfrIend and I was proud of that. I was great wIth her frIends and her famIly. Everyone got along. It was nIce and easy and stIll excItIng. Two months In she left. No explanatIon nothIng she just walked out of my lIfe as fast as she had once walked In. ThIs would not be the last of her although It should have been. I let her walk In and out fIve more tImes wIthIn the next four months. Why was I so blInd? Who knows? Maybe not blInd at all maybe I just dId not want to belIeve In the truth that I had left what was startIng to be a great relatIonshIp wIth a person that I really loved on a whIm. A whIm. I dIdn't want to be the faIlure. I dIdn't want to admIt to myself or to anyone else that I had faIled. That I had made quIte possIbly one of the bIggest mIstakes of my lIfe. In and out. Round and Round. My lIfe had become a revolvIng door. How dId I let It come to thIs? How dId I let her walk In and out of my lIfe? Why dId I not see the truth? Maybe I dIdn't see the truth through those pretty dark brown eyes and that smIle. She was good. I wIll gIve her that. She was really good. She had me wrapped around her fIngers and I let her tIghten her hold each tIme I let her walk back Into my lIfe. When dId I become so weak? When dId I forget how to not stand on my own two feet. LIke I saId I was on top of my game sIx months ago and now I have hIt rock bottom. The very bottom the good part to all of thIs Is that I cant get any lower I can only learn and start to clImb from the barrel. I am startIng to buIld the greatest support system that I could possIbly have.

Beginning of May 2009:

I have been thInkIng about her a lot lately. A lot. Almost too much. No maybe It Is way too much. I mIss her. I mIss her so much and do not understand why. Maybe because I faIled? No, I dIdn't faIl. I gave her chance after chance and she knew that leavIng thIs tIme she lost me forever and no matter how hard It Is for me to stay away from her I have to. She dId not care enough about me to stay wIth me to make It work. She knew that If she walked away thIs last tIme that she lost me forever and she dId not care enough to save It. So why Is she tryIng so hard now? Does she realIze what she lost? Is thIs just a game to her to see If she can break the last pIece of my heart? Or sImply because I have found thIs amazIng person? So amazIng that I wont let myself fall all the way for her because I am so terrIfIed that I wIll hurt her In the end. So yes my wall Is stIll up but words wIll never be able to descrIbe how amazIng LaurIe Is. What she can do for me or the way that she makes me feel. A lIttle confused yet? Yes, joIn the club because I am confused. I know that Jess and I wIll never have what we once had. I know that LaurIe and I wIll never have what Jess and I had eIther. I am not settlIng by no means. Why Is It that LaurIe Is so perfect but I wont let go? I cant take the leap? Why Is It that I fInd myself respondIng to all of Jess's texts or phone calls. It lIke a magnet when the phone rIngs. I lIstened to her radIo statIon last nIght and for what reason? She plays songs for me all the tIme but I know thIs. Why can't I let go? My father thIngs that I am beIng a total IdIot. Says that Jess Is playIng mInd games wIth me because she knows that she has lost me for good thIs tIme. I know that I can't be wIth her. I get It. I never want to have that fear of someone that I love so much leavIng me. Never. It makes me feel sIck. She had a chance to change her mInd and she dIdn't. Now Its up to me to let go and really move on because LaurIe deserves all of my heart and nothIng less.

May 27, 2009 My dad says that he thInks that LaurIe just mIght be the one that bIt me In my ass. You know the one that you least expect to fall for but when you realIze that It has happened It Is the best thIng In the world. I should not try and fIght thIs feelIng but yet I want to. It Is hard for me to belIeve that thIs Is the real deal. It scares me to thInk that I could see myself wIth her for the rest of my lIfe. The hard part? GettIng past these fIrst three months. Dad says that she has made It once the three month perIod Is over... WhIch wIll be August 5. It mIght be a bumpy rIde but I thInk that thIs rIde mIght actually be worth holdIng onto. I trIed to cut Jess out of my lIfe completely. For some reason that dId not happen how I would have lIked It to. She went and got a tattoo last nIght. Totally blew my mInd. It was the key. Yes, the key that was once suppose to open up my heart. Now It Is just a stupId key wIth no meanIng and It wIll never open up my heart. Friday May 29 2009 I caved in and went to see Jess on Wednesday. Maybe not caved in so much as finally finding my closure. Long story short and to the point she was caught in her lies. All lies... I let her spoon them to me. She cheated... She really cheated. Then came home while she was living with me as if nothing every happened Her reason? She was wasted. Forget that! I lost my mind when the truth finally came out and she once again tried to cover it up with lies. I broke Patron bottles, a red glass vase that I have given to her, and knocked over the bookshelf. I called her trash. Something I that I told myself that I would never do because I was better then that but that day I had so much rage in me it took all my strength not to hit her. I am done the door has been closed and locked more times then I can count. She disgusts me... I told her that she was dead to me... DEAD! I want nothing to do with her but she is not giving up just yet. Facebook messages and text messages and drunken phone calls at 3 in the morning. I am over this dramatic situation. I will always have a place for her in my heart but I will never be in love with her again. I wish her the best of luck and hope that one day she will be able to treat someone the way that they deserve to be treated. With that being said I am in love with Laurie. Its an amazing feeling once you actually let yourself go to feel it. This girl gives me the world on a silver platter. I look at her and know that life is going to be perfect and that I will always be safe with her around. She is my protection from all the horrible things that are going on in my world. Just one look in her eyes and all my worries start to slip away. This one is here to stay. For the first time I know what it is like to be happy without even trying. It comes as a second nature. I think that I had to go through all the bullshit to really value what she does to me and the way that she makes me feel. Monday June 1 2009 So I got my locked heart tattoo. Wow have not gotten a tattoo in over a year and half. To sit in that chair and just let go of all the past pain was one of the most incredible highs in the world. Laurie is getting a key tattoo tonight to match with my lock. I think that is the most adorable thing in the world. I feel that I have let my wall down with her and I just love her more and more with each passing moment. I had a random talk with Carly today and I told her that I found the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. She is happy for me yet jealous all at the same time. We talked about needing and wanting each other in the others life and we are going to work on that. There are no promises but we both feel that we have went through too much not to have each other there. I miss her. She knew me at times better then I knew myself. We have a history in which no one will ever be able to touch and I think that is why we get each other so well yet get so frustrated with one another at the same time. Lastly I talked to Tana (the girl that jess was dating the same time she was dating me) today. There are so many lies with Jess that it is just unbelievable. Jess was hooking up with Tana during the day and hooking up with me at night. Its disgusting. I cant even imagine. She had Tana and I so pinned up against each other is was unreal. Tana would leave marks on Jess's neck and I would later question Jess about these marks but nothing from Jess but lies and more bullshit. Wow. Nothing that came out of her mouth was the truth. A part of me is so mad at myself for believing her and so mad at her... I would really like nothing more than to kick the shit out of her. But then I realize what the hell is that going to do? Absolutely nothing. She wins if Tana and I attack. She wins and I want nothing more then her to lose. They say what goes around comes around... Karma is a bitch. I hope that Karma bites her in the ass!! I am sitting her still in shock. Present day 2010

Lets wrap everything up... I am still with Laurie...aka my little PufferFish...It has been the best almost 8 months of my life! Carly and I are still trying to be friends but like I had mentioned before it might be a lot harder then we both thought. As for Jess... well she still tries to get a hold of me and is still trying to win me back...Lets hope that her last blog that she has written is the truth... That she really is finally saying goodbye. Like I said before 12 07 08 are nothing but numbers...